No matter how many attempts at some satisfactory vocational endeavor, I felt thwarted to succeed at every turn! A permanent escape recurred with more frequency as distress with circumstances prevailed! Irrational thoughts arose to undermine this natural tendency to live. These notions per trials and error with self-extermination appealed more so as an escape route from an abysmal and hopeless existence than any underlying clinical depression, melancholia and/or suicidal tendency. Pennilessness and penury represented the primary twin factors! These coeval brethren conspired and schemed to wrest sanity and will power to predominate!
When pursuit for gainful employment yielded nary a prospect and financial resources quickly diminished, I experienced nocturnal knaves (visible only to myself), who offered respite from dismal days and nights. Rather than continue to lament the foregone acquisition of simple aspirations (which mirage of regular income to acquire the ordinary trappings of middle class economic status), forfeiture could best be accommodated thru surrender to eternal sleep! The mere thought to join the rank and file of deceased personages immediately contributed buoyancy to flagging spirit.
Numerous schemes flitted to and fro across my logical (and linear thinking) mind. Some of these derelict deeds of daring do that comprised dalliances with death necessitated much more blood and violence agreeable to this peaceable fellow. Akin to a bout of writers block, a mental impasse arose per acquiescence to slumber with predecessors and other mortals whose contract with cosmic creator came to an end.
Silence continued to be punctuated by the ticking of the grandfather clock, which Compact with the grim reaper yet to be concluded! In other words, no viable recourse met with approval to take that bold leap of faith into the chasm of unconsciousness and possibly posthumous praise. Those common dyed in the wool and popular tactics killing oneself quickly dismissed. As a nonestablishmentarian member of the genus and species Homo Sapiens, I preferred more creative and unusual approach to challenges.
Thoughts ricocheted (like the mechanism inside a pinball machine) triggering one fanciful attractive tactic after another. The gamut of avocational preferences encompassed quite a range of hobbies. Now a final challenge to decide from this vast (and eclectic) collection of pastimes as favorite milieu to take one last gasp of oxygen!
An arbitrary assessment arose to delineate vast leisure activities within the areas of mental, physical and spiritual categories helpful to organize these interests and aid paramount decision that would carry me of to the ultimate bon voyage. Maybe some all-inclusive tactic could be utilized to incorporate key fixtures from each and every one of these favorite activities! That so called aha syndrome stealthily crept up (came to the rescue) and offered coveted and timely salvation! YES! The grand finale upon this terra firma comprising journey of Matthew Harris would find him composing his magnum opus, contra dancing fast and furious (like a whirling dervish) and thenceforth entering the realm of transcendental meditation to fulfill mind, body and spirit triage respectively. |
